I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
