I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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