So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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