it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
