I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
