dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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