I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
