I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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