Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone stole a lamp last night.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize