she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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