i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
