Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
