shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
