I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
