Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
