I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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