Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
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of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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