I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
