Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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