i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
