I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
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So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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