His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
