I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
