Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
they're like a gay fantastic four
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
