i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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