I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
