i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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