Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Drunk is not a location!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
