Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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