Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.