Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals