I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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