when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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