I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
