You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
āOn a breakā is implied when itās a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
