Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
