ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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