Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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