mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
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not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
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And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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