I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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