dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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