The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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