This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
