Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
