Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
