he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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