I'm jealous of your bromance
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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