maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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