I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
