I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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