I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
