you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
