Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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