Sry I called you an 8
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
