Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
