Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
