Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
