I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
